Categorized | Features, Boomer Haiku

Now In My 60s: 54 Things I Never Thought I’d Say

Photo: Now that Roxanne is in her 60s she sometimes says “no” to a drink.

By Roxanne Jones

One recent Sunday, a friend asked if I’d seen a certain skit on SNL the night before. I heard myself reply, “No, I can’t stay up that late, but I’ll check it out online.”

Then I thought: OMG, did I really just say that? Have I turned into an old fart who nods off after dinner? I also silently gave myself props for knowing how to access SNL videos on my laptop, affirming that I’m not completely out of touch.

But it got me to thinking how a lot of things that come out of my mouth now that I’m in my 60s are statements I never thought I’d make, especially when I was in my 20s or 30s.

I also realized there are other phrases I utter that my 20-something self would have no idea WTF I’m talking about (like the WTF acronym) because our popular culture has changed so much in 40-plus years.

Things to Say in Your 60s

So I figured I’d better write down some of these utterances before I forget them. Here goes:

✔️ Having a good bowel movement is one of the most satisfying things in life

✔️ I can’t eat chocolate because it triggers my acid reflux

✔️ The music’s too loud — can you please turn it down?

✔️ I’m too old for (whatever)

✔️ I tweet a few times each day (“What’s a tweet?” my 20-something self would ask)

✔️ I post a new blog once a week (What’s a blog?)

✔️ I’ll text you (What’s a text?)

✔️ “Golden Showers” is trending on Twitter in relation to the president of the United States

✔️ A former soft-porn model is the first lady of the United States

✔️ “No, thanks” when offered a drink

✔️ Can’t we just cuddle?

✔️ The show starts at 10 p.m.? Forget it; I’m in bed by then.

✔️ I can’t wear those shoes — the heels are too high

✔️ Hold the French fries

✔️ I’ll be eligible for Medicare in just over a year

✔️ I can’t believe I’ve been a member of AARP for 13 years

✔️ I have a grandson

✔️ I can’t read that without glasses (and the related, “Where the f*ck are my glasses?”)

✔️ We’ll Uber to the airport (What’s Uber?)

✔️ Hell, I don’t need to put on makeup to go to the grocery store

✔️ Is it hot in here or is it just me?

✔️ I need a bigger bra

✔️ I’ll take a picture with my phone (Huh?)

✔️ Hey, there’s a how-to article in the Sunday paper about growing your own marijuana, now that it’s legal

✔️ I just paid $140 for a pair of jeans (that was once my monthly rent!)

✔️ I just paid $150 for eye cream

✔️ I just peed my pants from laughing

✔️ I like wearing pants with an elastic waist

✔️ Have I got food on my face?

✔️ My ass is flat

✔️ What did I come in here for?

✔️ Sure, I’ll take the senior discount

✔️ We need a nightlight in the bedroom

✔️ I really don’t like to drive at night

✔️ That first meal after having a colonoscopy is better than sex

✔️ I’m older than all my doctors

✔️ Cool — our new condo already has a grab bar in the shower

✔️ Comfort-height toilets are the best

✔️ I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night

✔️ I used to think that having a tan made me look healthy

✔️ At our age, it’s good to carry a little extra weight

✔️ If I drink more than two glasses of wine, it takes me three days to recover

✔️ I haven’t been carded in decades

✔️ Mick Jagger is 73 years old and the Stones are still performing in concert

✔️ Can you believe Keith Richards is still alive?

✔️ I just don’t get a lot of the music kids listen to today

✔️ I’d rather live in a small town than a big city

✔️ SNL has been on television for 42 years

✔️ I don’t have to pluck my eyebrows anymore — but I do have to pluck moustache and chin hairs

✔️ Have you gotten your shingles shot?

✔️ I’m starting to sound like my mother

✔️ Ask Siri (Who the hell is Siri?)

✔️ I really don’t care what other people think

And perhaps the #1 thing I never thought I’d say — at least not without guilt — is:

✔️ No

So, fellow baby boomers, what do you find yourself saying at this age — utterances your younger self never thought you’d make? While you’re thinking about it, here’s this week’s haiku:

One thing you learn as

you get older is you should

never say never.

Roxanne Jones writes Boomer Haiku (www.boomerhaiku.com), a blog that takes a mostly light-hearted and often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer as we move through midlife and beyond. She earns her living as a freelance copywriter specializing in health and medicine. Follow her on Twitter,
@RoxJonesWriter

©Copyright 2015. Boomer Haiku, LLC. All rights reserved.

4 Responses to “Now In My 60s: 54 Things I Never Thought I’d Say”

  1. John Hampton says:

    “I have learned my limitations.”

  2. Camille says:

    Great post! I loved the blog, tweet, text & Siri. Coincidentally, I just posted on FB that I never imagined I’d be bragging about still being too young for Medicare! Great minds, I guess. 😊

  3. Hey, John–that’s a good one (I can relate!).

  4. Thanks so much, Camille! Yes–great minds, indeed. I can only make that brag for another 11 months or so…!

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